Are You Kidding Me?

I just HAVE to blog about this topic today - the absence of the word "no" when disciplining children. I want to thank a reader here who emailed me a link to a popular parenting forum that was discussing this topic. Before I go off on what is sure to turn into a rant I will share with you the scenario:

A daycare provider posted asking for advice in ceasing some bad behavior exhibited by a child in her care. Apparently, this child was consistently hitting another. The provider was at her wits end. She had tried using words, redirection and time-outs. Feeling helpless and defeated she asked others for advice.

One of the responses made me nearly spit out my coffee when I read it. I will share it with you now:

I think saying "she does not hit" and time outs are very
negative. Rather than tell her what not to do - tell her what to
do. Hands are for shaking or hands are for high fives or hands are for hugging.
I don't even use the word "no" and my sitter doesn't either As far as time
outs go - try re-directing the little girl to something else. At the very
most have her do a sit down activity (colouring).There is never a reason to speak negatively, raise your voice, use the word no or hit a child. All
unacceptable to me. I can honestly say if I found out my sitter ever put dd in time out or spoke to her negatively, dd would not be going back.

All I can say to this is “wow”. Honestly? Is “no” such a bad word? Where is the value in providing your child with the reality of adulthood and the world if they never experience “no”? And never a harsh word? Yikes! Because I am quite sure this parent has never, ever lost her cool when discovering her child has used a Sharpie on her brand new duvet or freshly painted walls. And God-forbid this child experience a “no” during her kindergarten years. The poor thing will be found curled into a ball upon pick up every day. The teacher will undoubtedly develop a complex at having ruined the psychological stability of a four year old. Starting school is a stressful enough experience without suddenly finding yourself in a parallel universe where the other kids do not take kindly to your taking whatever you want from them and expecting no consequence. But, hey, I guess if she hits her friend in the head with the play centre iron she can always be directed and, “At the very most have her do a sit down activity”. Geesh people. Get a grip on reality. And if there is one sure fire way to bring out the fierce momma bear in a woman it is to harm her child. Not only is every student in this child's class not going to want to play with your child the parents too, will, without doubt, view her as one of "those" children. And let me tell you, "those" children do not get invited to play dates and birthday parties. Do you really want that isolation and (gasp!) rejection for your child? Because, trust me, carry on like you are and it's sure to come.

I have always said that there is a provider for every child and a child suited to every provider. Luckily, for this child her parent did her homework and found someone to care for her that has the same warped sense of providing a of false security that she gets at home. I can only imagine, however, how difficult it is to be that provider. I cannot even imagine four or five kids running around who have never heard the word “no”. I have never been witness to a state of anarchy but this comes as close as possible to my perception of such an event.

Of course, I could not leave the forum and not comment. That’s just me. And, I am also certain that you already know that my opinion was not received well. Oh, well. Such is life. Apparently the parents of these children don’t like people who disagree with them or tell them “no” either. Hmmm…the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

So, my words to those who think it appropriate to raise your kids in an apocryphal utopia accurate in its authenticity and reality to only one’s self, you are living and teaching a lie. Life if full of “no”. I cannot predict the future that lies ahead for your child. But I do know this; they will be heartbroken and rejected by a lover, they will not receive that perfect job opportunity at some time, they will have periods of failure, and the world will not unequivocally say “yes” to their every demand.

Keep on parenting in the style you deem to be sensible. And when all is said and done let me know how they are doing around the age of sixteen. I’m pretty sure the word “no” will come out of your mouth at least once in the teen years. But, unfortunately, by then it will be too late and your child will not understand a word you say. Good luck with that.





For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca