Don't Die Trying

Everyone here who reads this blog understands that my goal in blogging was first to vent my frustrations to an audience who understood my angst and second, to for once, speak the truth about daycare. I wanted providers to feel like they are not alone and parents to understand that we are just people - people with limitations, biases and flaws. We are not the rosy-cheeked Norma Rockwell portrayal of witless but exorbitant happiness all the time. I believe that is it time for us to become transparent. To allow others to see us as the people we are and accept us as such.

My philosophy of honesty and integrity leads me to become frustrated when I see others who always strive to say the right thing rather than the truth. Nothing makes me more upset then to witness people who rob themselves of the freedom of voicing their true feelings and objectives. I suspect this is the reason that when I saw the following topic headline, "Do You Treat Them All The Same?", on a message board I couldn't resist reading the responses.

It astonishes me how many providers can not admit the truth of this question. I'm quite certain, as well, that many of them have grown so accustomed to saying what is societally correct that they can no longer identify the lies they tell themselves. For example, a number of providers answered that post claiming to have as much love and admiration for the children they care for as their own. Lies, lies, lies.

I once had a client interview with me who asked me this same question. She wanted to ensure that, "You will treat him exactly as you would your own children, right? How do I know that will happen?". Well, I had to tell her the truth. Needless to say she didn't call back. And, really, who could fault her for the question? I understand, with complete clarity, the reasons behind her asking such a loaded question. My sympathy to her as I know that whomever she did place her child with undoubtedly lied - whether outright or subconsciously.

If you are reading this and in complete disagreement I will ask you to take a minute, clear your head and look away from the computer. When you come back I want you to read the question that will follow and answer in the most honest, truthful, one second response you can. Look away now.......

The Question:

If you had multiple children in your care and they, and your own child were all playing together in the same room and the house caught on fire who, of all of those kids, would you take to safety first?

See? Do you REALLY love the children in your care on the level you love your own? If you answered anything but your own child then I feel deeply sad for your child. Because, if their own parent isn't willing to risk life or limb for them over anyone else then they truly have no advocate in life.

Sure, we can like the kids in our care. We can even love them. And, we would certainly see that, they too, got to safety. But the fact remains that you will never love them on the same level you do your own. I challenge you to really think about that question. Push all the societal pressures to be perfect, unbiased and equally loving and just be real. For once, be real. Yeah, it's hard at first isn't it? There is no reward for being real. Real is not popular. But real saves your child in that house fire.

So, my real, truthful, and uncalculated answer to that thread question is that NO, I don't treat them the same. Yes, I expect my children to share their cookies with them rather than eat a treat in front of the kids. Yes, I expect my own child to share a toy brought into the daycare space as I would any child bringing a toy from home. But, in a lot of ways they are treated much differently. My kids don't go to work every day - I do. Regardless of the fact that this is my business it will always be their home first. I wouldn't expect them to act as though they were in daycare all day. If I wanted that I would close my doors and plunk them in someone else's care.

Reality is blissful. Honestly, it is. Fooling yourself just causes guilt and regret. When you try to live up to societal standards of what is pretty and correct and acceptable, even when only in your own mind, you will die trying. You'll never get there. It is a stairway with no landing in sight. Stop being who everyone else wants you to be. Start being you. Answer these questions with honesty and clarity. Pass these truths along to the kids you care for. Teach them that happiness does not include lying to yourself to please others. Teach them that pleasing others means never pleasing yourself. Your self reflection and honesty therein will open doors for them in the future. Go back and answer that question again and feel privileged to speak the truth. There is no glory in being someone you're not.


For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca