Home time hell. Is there anything that will make your end of day routine a living nightmare faster than a child turning into a demon at the sound of the doorbell? As if a switch has been triggered the child suddenly goes from being a co-operative, sweet child to a complete, screaming, manipulative mess. If this happens to you hang in there, it's more common than you might think. In the last two weeks I have received two emails from providers dealing with this type of situation.
We've all seen it. The screaming, the kicking, the running away. If it isn't bad enough and embarrassing for both you and the parents when a child conducts themselves in such a fashion it is even worse when parents start to lay blame for the behaviour. And when players start to line up to play the "blame game" it's time to put your foot down and start acting as head coach.
I have had this type of behaviour in my care over the years. However, I am usually quick to nip it in the butt early so as to not have to be faced with a full blown freak-out situation. This type of behaviour often escalates. It starts with children running away from the door when the parent comes. They refuse to leave their play toys or friends and suddenly turn deaf to requests to get their outdoor clothes on and leave. If excused, this behaviour will, undoubtedly, turn worse and before you know it you will be dealing with daily fits of bone-shrilling screams and black and blue shins.
My first course of action with kids conducting themselves in this manner is to grab the bull by the horns - or, the child by the arm. Seriously, when a child refuses to respond to my request for them to come to the door and get ready I ask one more time. If refused again I will go over, take the child by the arm and lead them to the door. Usually, this action alone is enough to warrant compliance. After all, the children in my care all know that Judy doesn't play the manipulation or control game with children. If the child starts to pull away or otherwise act out I get down to their level and tell them in no uncertain terms, "I know your mom is here but this is still MY house and therefore these are still MY rules. Now, go to the door, and put on your clothes for mommy. Mommy has had a long day and would like to go home". I have rarely had a situation carry on after delivering that line.
One must be expectant of some shock or backlash from parents. I mean, after all, if the child is golden for the provider all day but then turns into a demon at pick-up they obviously, in some way, think it okay to act in this manner for their parent and not for you. So, it makes sense to me that at home they must get away with some form of ill-behaviour through refusal to comply. Therefore, at that moment you are operating on two different parenting fronts - yours and the parent's. But, your house, your rules. Period.
So, what happens if you have taken the child's arm, delivered your line and the child still chooses to throw an almighty fit? It's very simple. You give him an option, "You can go to the door and get dressed or I will do it for you but either way you ARE going home". And then you carry out your promise. I can not tell you how many times I have stuffed shoes on a child who is screaming. But, in the end they learned that there was not a choice in going home or not. The only choice was whether they chose to make it a pleasant experience or a nightmare. In the end, you only have to carry out your promise once or twice before a child understands that their manipulative, unacceptable behaviour will get them no where. And yes, you will also find that the jaw-dropped, speechless parent will eventually come around too. And if they don't? Well, I think we all know how that will pan out!
In one of the emails received this week one provider relayed to me that the parent of her demon child is starting to blame her for the actions of the child at home time. Is this parent right in the head? If a child is exhibiting poor behaviour then why is this parent not stepping in to correct it? Did she just wake up today and discover she is a parent? Good gravy!
If as a provider you are doing your job in curtailing home time battles with no improvement then perhaps it's time to reassess how the child is parented at home. Children are smart. Children learn fast. And, most of all, children are selfish. They do what works best for them. And if it isn't working for them, somewhere, at some time then they stopped that action for one that serves them better. It's not hard to figure out that their behaviour is paying off somewhere. My guess is that if you are not rewarding them for it then someone else is. Not too hard to figure out who the 'someone' is. So, stand your ground, do your job and let the parent deal with the rest.
In the end it's your house and your rules. And, if a child or parent can't abide by those and maintain peace and harmony in your home for you and the other children in care then they are a liability, not on the same page as you, and a general pain in your backside. Time to reconsider what is more important to you and the children you care for.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
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