Service Fees

There are so many fees these days. I have to pay a fee for the telephone company to get the line from the street to my house. I don't understand this one. I offered to place a personal phone booth at the property line to avoid the fee but Bell just wasn't going for it. Every month I pay that damn fee and curse it every time. Then of course there is the 'debt relief' fee I get the pleasure of paying to the hydro company because their accountant from 1960 - 2000 apparently failed grade three math and didn't understand that a negative number is a profit loss. Great! I love paying for my grandparents' and parents' hydro savings. And one can not forget the 'line maintenance' fee that covers the gas pipes that carry all that yummy, overpriced, fossil fuel to my home to warm my toes on a cold winter night. One would assume that maintaining the lines might be a cost of running a business. But hey, who am I to judge their business model?



I've been thinking lately about how I can recoup some of these fees. As we are all so accustomed to additional fees we are forced to pay why not make up a few of our own? I know there are plenty of avenues to take advantage of additional revenue.



How about the 'second portion' fee? Every time I have to dole out more food for a child who has already eaten more than my daily calorie allotment will be subject to a fee. Of course, following that fee with be the 'restocking fee' as I will have to buy more groceries and thus, carry them from the store to the car to the pantry. If I don't restock the additional items then how would I have them on hand next time the child needs seconds. Seems like simple logic to me.



And for the kids who are assessed the 'second portion' fee they will surely take in so much food that it will result in the 'feculence towelette' fee. It stands to reason that if your child eats so much that it takes fifteen wipes to clean their nasty little butt you should have to cover that cost. And undoubtedly that extra wipe usage will increase the amount of garbage and therefore result in the 'trash transfer and transportation' fee. I'll give them a break and not charge them for my effort to pull the fifty gallon receptacle to the curb. Okay, maybe I won't. I'll have to think about that one!



From the months of October through April I will assess each child a 'snot swabbing' fee which of course, will include not only the constant wiping of their double-barrelled boogers but the two boxes of tissue I use every day. And we all know that by swabbing that snot we are sure to get sick ourselves so we will have no choice but to implement the 'peaked provider' fee. On top of that we will also have no option but to charge 'sick day' fees too while we rest our weary, snot ridden heads in bed for the day.



In order to ensure my personal care and comfort after many years of providing daycare it will also be necessary to assign a 'sanity saver' fee. This will be held in escrow for the day the men in white coats do actually find me talking to myself in incomprehensible babble and take me to the big building with the soft rooms and barred windows. Those accommodations don't come cheap and I want to make sure my padding is the best you can buy.



The most frequently applied fee will also be the most important - the 'asshat' fee. I'm quite sure this will be the most lucrative of all fees. Every time a parent is an asshat a fee will be applied to their weekly rate. No doubt many of us will be able to put even more money into the 'sanity saver' escrow account with the income from the 'asshat' fee.



Oh, I have to go now. My favourite program is on. I have to run to the curb to watch Oprah. Apparently you can negotiate the 'road to residence' fee with Rogers Cable. Now I save ten dollars a month. Yeah, I do have to watch Oprah from the driveway but as they say, "a penny saved is a penny earned".







For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca