I am implementing the official Home Daycare Provider Benefits Plan. From now on I am going to take advantage of every opportunity the HDPBP offers. Sorry, it does not include paid sick days, paid vacation or a pension plan but it does have its perks. The employee contribution is negligible and the rewards, if used to their maximum are outstanding. The only catch to the HDPBP is that an unprecedented lack of guilt is required if the benefits are to be enjoyed to their fullest extent.
The most fantastic component of the HDPBP is the sleep time security share. Each and every day you are able to gain an additional one paid hour of time to enjoy. The process of benefits payout is simple with the sleep time security share. Every afternoon, at nap time simply close your eyes for sixty consecutive minutes. When you awake, refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the day you will realize you have been paid for one hours wages to sleep. But wait, the benefit lies not in paid nap time but in the additional hour you may now spend in the evening enjoying leisure pursuits. Just imagine how much time you could amass if every day you took advantage of the sleep time security share. One nap five times a week over the course of a year is an additional 260 hours or 32.5 work days you have to yourself. Who said the daycare parents who gloat to us about paid shopping days are the only ones getting benefits? Hell, we can get paid time too. We just have to be smarter about it. However, I am sorry to inform you that the sleep time security share only works in real time. You may not carry over benefits used or unused for more than a 24 hour period. Doing so will result in late nights and sleep deprivation that might affect your ability to take advantage of the next benefit.
The employee motivation benefit is the next best thing to the sleep time security share. This benefit allows you the opportunity to take advantage of the daycare provider helpline free of charge. At any time during the day the employee motivation benefit allows you to log on, call up, or stop by a friends house, albeit sometimes with five children attached to your legs, to garner support, a cup of coffee and a bitch session. If used correctly, the employee motivation benefit can be better (and cheaper) than a prescription for Prozac. The side effects however, just like Prozac include addiction to talk forums, blogs and Bell Canada.
And speaking of addictions we must not forget about the bottomless cup commission. This benefit is perhaps, if you have not had your daily dose of provider Prozac, the most necessary benefit of all. At any time during the day you are able to visit the communal coffee pot for what is always a fresh, hot cup of coffee. Adjacent to the pot is of course an array of items to compliment or enhance your bottomless cup commission ranging from vanilla powder to Caramel Bailey's. Don't worry, this is an employee specific benefit. No one will verify your coffee enhancements. No one's looking.
Perhaps my favourite HDPBP perk is the domestic duties dividend. This benefit comes in the form of clean, folded laundry and perfectly pleated bed skirts. It is amazing to find that yes, you can be paid to be both a domestic goddess and a daycare provider. Many executives have expense accounts to which they might charge dry cleaning bills and tailoring costs. Why not take advantage of more of that paid time to fold laundry. Heck, if you combine the time saved from your domestic duties dividend and your sleep time security share you will amass hours of extra time you can call your own each and every week night. Toss some Play-doh on the table and start matching socks.
One can not forget the private toilet treasury. Is there anything more special than not having to squat to pee? With the private toilet treasury you can sit down, rest and take thirty seconds to do your business. And when that private toilet becomes dirty you can move some of your domestic duties dividends shares over into the private toilet treasury and clean it. See, I told you this benefits plan was state of the art and rivals the best.
Take some time today to visit your human resources office and speak to the boss. Ask her why it is you have not been able to take advantage of the HDPBP. After all, you have been paying into it for a long, long time. Oh, but you better wait until after the boss has finished with her sleep time security share or you might not like her answer. Always better to bother someone after their break rather than in the middle. Speaking of which - aren't YOU supposed to be taking advantage of a benefit right now?
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
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