Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl all year long. Okay, maybe good is overrated. Would you settle for tried my best? Santa, I really did try my best all year. I know that you bring wonder and joy to all the angelic and demonic children in my care and I was hoping there might be a little something under the tree for me too on Christmas day. You see, Santa, I am not a selfish person and I really do hope that you can fulfill both the wishes of the items I want for myself and others. It would really be appreciated if you could read my list and stuff the much needed items in your big red bag for the trip to my house. Okay Santa, here is my list:

Corks - I would love some corks, Santa, for the super pooper I have in care. I used to have lots of corks from all of the wine I drank after I closed the door at the end of the day but now the winery's all have the big idea that screw tops are as good as corks. I could explain more Santa, but since we have no chimney you will have to use the garage door code and once you step into my garage your nostrils will be filled with the scent of half frozen, yet still fermenting poop. Are we clear now, Santa?

Ear Plugs - These would be much appreciated on all those days the kids will just not stop crying and screaming. If you're not sure how many pairs then ensure there is a pair for, at the very least, every Monday of the next year. Better yet, just bring me an Ipod.

Wine - Any kind is good, Santa. No non-alcoholic brands though. As a side note - I make better cookies when I am drinking wine.

Hard Liquor - This is my back up plan in case you don't bring enough wine.

Books - I would like some plastic encased, toxic books to place on my daycare shelf. Any book that emits an electric shock if tasted would work too. It seems Santa, that those cast off paper books you brought my own children have made their way to the daycare room and the kids there see them as a food source.

Tape - Yes Santa, if you fail to bring the books I will need lots of this.

Patience - I know you brought me some of this stuff last year but I seem to have misplaced mine. I keep looking for it but then I just get annoyed that I can't find it.

If you will notice Santa, I don't ask for much. I know there are a lot of other children and daycare providers alike who want you to bring something for them too. I don't want to appear picky and in an attempt to save you some time I ask that you not bring all the crappy items I am sure to find handed to me by daycare parents in a feeble half-assed attempt to show their gratitude for wiping both their kids' faces and asses all year long. Those gifts include things like : pictures of the daycare kids (yeah, I see their kids more hours in a week than they do. I hardly want to see the faces of those little red-horned demons during my off hours), regifted cheap coffee and hot chocolate filled mugs with those little Hershey's Kisses spilling out the top, toys to contribute to the daycare that require fifteen batteries and adult interaction, magazine subscriptions to Parent and Child, and any knick knacks that will hit my circular file bin faster than you can say "dust collector".

I thank you in advance, Santa. I have every faith in your ability to make up for the misgivings of everyone else who has let me down all year long. In return I will make you some delicious cookies while humming Christmas carols and sipping my screw top bottle of wine. I'll even leave some carrots and celery for Rudolph. Oh, and while we're talking about Rudolph; Santa, it's bad enough I have to clean up my dog's crap. Could you please stoop and scoop when Rudolph decides to take a crap on my front lawn? Oh, and for God's sake do NOT put it in my garage.

Thanks Santa,

Judy, Your Friendly Neighbourhood Daycare Provider

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca