Is "normal" the new swear word? I have to wonder. It certainly seems that the word "normal" has a certain taintedness to it. Whenever I use "normal" as an adjective I see scowls and raised eyebrows. No one, it appears, wants to be "normal" anymore.
While posting on The Daycare Provider Connection recently I participated in a discussion about normalcy. It seems that most of us have normal kids in our care. And when daycare providers refer to normal we simply mean that the child is developing at pace with 99% of other children his or her age. The normal child is not delayed or advanced; they are simply spot on and meeting those goals that would be expected for their age. But, like most things in life, this seems to not be enough. Parents want more. They don't want normal kids.
I'm a parent. I love my kids; I adore them. My kids are my life. I revere them with admiration and notions of grandeur. I secretly hope they turn out to be brilliant people who will change the world. I have big expectations for what they might one day become. But, at the core of it all I do realize that they are just average kids. Well behaved kids with the occasional moment of lack of judgment - normal. So, it is because I am a parent of normal kids that I fail to see the problem with normalcy.
It seems that a lot of daycare providers are caring for kids whose parents think they are miniature Einstein's in the making. They are thrilled and amazed at every little detail their child exhibits. All unusual or unacceptable behaviour is chalked up to their sheer genius. When they are ill-behaved it is because they are so unequivocally intelligent that we must be boring them to tears to such an extent that to satisfy their entertainment needs they felt it appropriate to tear every page out of the book that their genius can not read. Call me crazy, but any genius I know would forecast that destroying a book is not going to warrant favourable results while in Judy's care. That was not the move of a genius.
If anything, I think most kids are less than normal. It's true. And it isn't because these kids lack mental intelligence. They lack inter-personal intelligence. In short, they lack the ability to understand actions versus consequence. They have been so catered to by the adults in their life that, at the age of three, they can not get their shoes on themselves. And those who have obtained the skill set to put on their shoes lack the social skills to simply put on their shoes instead of throwing a hissy fit and forcing the parents to do it for them.
Parents with self-proclaimed genius spawn - three years old are SUPPOSED to be able to put on their shoes. Oh, and yeah, the alphabet song - that too. Totally NORMAL.
Labelling kids is never, ever a good thing. It leads to unrealistic expectations for both the genius, normal and delayed children. It sets out a track of peremptory ideals that the child may or may not want to live up to. And when a child does not live up to the expectations of their parents that leaves lasting effects of having disappointed ones parents. And what about the poor child who, at a young age was labelled "delayed"? No one has any expectations for that child and they often do not get the help they need.
Kids are kids. Normal kids walk around twelve months of age, talk by the time they are two, eat sand in the sand box, tattle-tale on their friends, and can rhyme off the alphabet by their third birthday. Most kids are not geniuses. And really, do parents really want that for their child? Be careful what you wish for.
Soon my little geniuses will be up from nap. The most "genius" of all my little geniuses will sit on the bench and struggle to put on her shoes. And once she is done that deed she will whimper and whine the entire time we are outside. It is obvious that in her infinite genius a back yard full of wonder and excitement is not enough stimulation for her superior state of innate.
Chalk it all up to genius. Lord knows I can't call her normal. That would be like swearing.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
As a parent of a child with special needs, I'd love to hear "normal". Any part of his development that rates "normal" is a success and an achievement. It's a success and an achievement for my normal kids too. They work hard to learn to put on their shoes, do the "flip trick" etc. Normal should be seen as the achievement it is.
ReplyDeleteI too, have a little einstein. She can name 18 countries on the map, speaks in complete sentences, knows all her letters and sounds, numbers, colours at 2yrs old but cannot put on her own crocs, do stairs, share, play... I would trade her for a normal kid any day!
ReplyDeleteHi Judy,
ReplyDeleteI'm enjoying your blog.
As the youngest of 7 children (with my oldest siblings 20 years older than me) and aunt/great-aunt to 20, I was around many children from an early age. I also was a career babysitter from fifth grade on, practically raising the three kids across the street.
Later, when my friends started having children, I realized that very few of them had younger siblings or had experience as babysitters. In short, babies and young children were an unknown quantity; they didn't know "normal" from "not normal" or even "really abnormal."
In some cases, everything their child did was viewed through the "genius" lens, including some very clear deficits and developmental delays.
It was only when these children got to school, where a more objective entity (the teacher) could clue in these parents that these kids were not actually total geniuses. They were crushed and sometimes resentful.
Not that teachers are always right, of course. Just to say that some of these parents just had no other basis for comparison.
Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
P.S. On this point:
ReplyDelete"And what about the poor child who, at a young age was labelled "delayed"? No one has any expectations for that child and they often do not get the help they need."
I know that "labeling" can often haunt a child throughout the school years. But the up side of labeling, also known as a diagnosis, is that it can provide a clear path towards helping the child get what they need.