The alarm goes off. I roll over in bed and groan. A nice lady whispers in my ear, "Come on Judy. Get up and start the day and I will give you a lollipop". I smile, grab the lollipop, stick it in my mouth and carry on with getting out of bed. I hurry to shower and get dressed because I know that if I am a good, efficient girl that lady will be in my kitchen to give me Tim Horton's doughnuts and praise when I appear.
I scarf down the doughnuts all the while being told how great I am. I get into my car and drive off to work. Half way to the office I notice a police car nearing my vehicle it's lights and sirens blaring. I pull over to the side of the road. The officer comes up to me window, hands me a shiny new car GPS and says, "Oh, you are doing such a great job driving. Now, I gave you that GPS so slow down a bit when you reach that next turn." The officer returns to his car, I smile and wave as he drives by and I carry on my journey to work.
When I arrive at work all the employees stand and cheer and clap and congratulate me for, once again, arriving at work on time. On my desk I see an envelope. Opening it I soon realize it is a cheque. I am being paid an early bonus as incentive to do a thorough job.
I go to the coffee machine and pour myself a cup and go back to my office, sit down and begin to read a book I brought from home. Hey, why work? I'll wait for the lady with the lollipops to come back and give me one before I start. After all, payday comes every Friday whether I am productive or not.
Sound ridiculous?
It is. But this is what I see parents do with regard to their children each and every day. They reward and bribe them to behave. They promise shopping trips to the toy aisle if they will put on their shoes after the parents have had a long day and want to go home. They bribe and plead and cajole. Why? Here's a thought.....if you ask little Johnny to put on his shoes so you can go home and he refuses then leave his sorry little ass and go home. I'm going to bet you only have to do that once and next time he will put on his shoes without being promised the moon and the stars and the milky way.
What has happened to parents? Where is the sentiment that the parents and adults are the boss and children are to trust that what they demand is for the good of the child? Why do we constantly feel that we have to incentivize children to do tasks that should just be expected of them? I'm sorry, but little Johnny needs to realize that the reward for putting on his coat and shoes at home time should NOT be a Happy Meal but the opportunity to go home. There is no choice here. He puts on his things or he can spend the evening in daycare. My guess, knowing little Johnny, is that if you prove your ability to expect things from him he will suddenly tow the line. Johnny is smarter than you think. How else do you assume he has manipulated you out of thousands of dollars of Walmart toys and excessive amounts of gummy bears? He's smart - you're not.
I don't understand this reward and THEN act philosophy. When, in the history of time has this ever worked? It doesn't. Rewards or bribery simply force the rewarder into a viscous cycle. Soon, the rewardee begins to realize their ultimate power and holds compliance hostage until the ransom is paid.
STOP. PAYING. THE. RANSOM.
Children need to understand and learn that the reward for a job well done is having done the job itself. And sometimes we have to allow them to also realize that not doing what is expected (the job) leads to unpleasant outcomes. A child doesn't want to put on his boots when there is two feet of snow on the ground. Fine. Let him walk to the car in his socks. Allow him to FEEL the consequences of HIS actions. Next time he will chose otherwise. It's not cruel, it's teaching children the manner in which life occurs. There are consequences for everything.
The only rewards a child should receive for compliance of the mundane duties of every day life is happiness. That's all; nothing more is required. Happiness is a choice - the earlier a child learns this fact the better.
Parents, please stop bribing your kids. It is doing them a disservice greater than you can ever imagine. Besides, one day it will be YOU and ME who will need them for our very survival. I know one thing for sure - I am scared. I am afraid that one day while I sit in a nursing home, should my stash of lollipops disappear, that it will be me sitting in my four hour Depends, waiting on my lunch. And we will will have only ourselves to blame. Well, not really. I'll blame you. I don't give out lollipops now and I am pretty certain I won't give them out then either.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
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