Is "normal" the new swear word? I have to wonder. It certainly seems that the word "normal" has a certain taintedness to it. Whenever I use "normal" as an adjective I see scowls and raised eyebrows. No one, it appears, wants to be "normal" anymore.
While posting on The Daycare Provider Connection recently I participated in a discussion about normalcy. It seems that most of us have normal kids in our care. And when daycare providers refer to normal we simply mean that the child is developing at pace with 99% of other children his or her age. The normal child is not delayed or advanced; they are simply spot on and meeting those goals that would be expected for their age. But, like most things in life, this seems to not be enough. Parents want more. They don't want normal kids.
I'm a parent. I love my kids; I adore them. My kids are my life. I revere them with admiration and notions of grandeur. I secretly hope they turn out to be brilliant people who will change the world. I have big expectations for what they might one day become. But, at the core of it all I do realize that they are just average kids. Well behaved kids with the occasional moment of lack of judgment - normal. So, it is because I am a parent of normal kids that I fail to see the problem with normalcy.
It seems that a lot of daycare providers are caring for kids whose parents think they are miniature Einstein's in the making. They are thrilled and amazed at every little detail their child exhibits. All unusual or unacceptable behaviour is chalked up to their sheer genius. When they are ill-behaved it is because they are so unequivocally intelligent that we must be boring them to tears to such an extent that to satisfy their entertainment needs they felt it appropriate to tear every page out of the book that their genius can not read. Call me crazy, but any genius I know would forecast that destroying a book is not going to warrant favourable results while in Judy's care. That was not the move of a genius.
If anything, I think most kids are less than normal. It's true. And it isn't because these kids lack mental intelligence. They lack inter-personal intelligence. In short, they lack the ability to understand actions versus consequence. They have been so catered to by the adults in their life that, at the age of three, they can not get their shoes on themselves. And those who have obtained the skill set to put on their shoes lack the social skills to simply put on their shoes instead of throwing a hissy fit and forcing the parents to do it for them.
Parents with self-proclaimed genius spawn - three years old are SUPPOSED to be able to put on their shoes. Oh, and yeah, the alphabet song - that too. Totally NORMAL.
Labelling kids is never, ever a good thing. It leads to unrealistic expectations for both the genius, normal and delayed children. It sets out a track of peremptory ideals that the child may or may not want to live up to. And when a child does not live up to the expectations of their parents that leaves lasting effects of having disappointed ones parents. And what about the poor child who, at a young age was labelled "delayed"? No one has any expectations for that child and they often do not get the help they need.
Kids are kids. Normal kids walk around twelve months of age, talk by the time they are two, eat sand in the sand box, tattle-tale on their friends, and can rhyme off the alphabet by their third birthday. Most kids are not geniuses. And really, do parents really want that for their child? Be careful what you wish for.
Soon my little geniuses will be up from nap. The most "genius" of all my little geniuses will sit on the bench and struggle to put on her shoes. And once she is done that deed she will whimper and whine the entire time we are outside. It is obvious that in her infinite genius a back yard full of wonder and excitement is not enough stimulation for her superior state of innate.
Chalk it all up to genius. Lord knows I can't call her normal. That would be like swearing.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Basic Math
Summer + Daycare = Happy Judy
Yes, I realize it's not actually summer yet but man, it sure feels like it! Bye, Bye winter blues and hello summer smiles! The change in the seasons is like an antidepressant for my unstable mind. Nothing brings a smile to my face faster than a balmy day and five kids squealing with delight as they run through the sprinkler. Heaven, pure heaven on earth.
I know I've said this before but it warrants another mention - summer time makes me realize what a great job it is that I have. Is there any better job that involves sitting on deck chairs and spraying hysterical kids with a hose? Would any other job allow me to plant my garden at 9am with ten little hands of free help? Would work outside the home allow me a naptime reprieve of deck time while reading a book? No, no, and no! No other job could beat daycare in the summer.
To all of my colleagues who find themselves in the fortunate position of sun-filled days and above average temperatures, enjoy it - every minute of it. Soak up those sun rays and force those winter cobwebs out of your mind. Summer is here and daycare is good again!
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
Yes, I realize it's not actually summer yet but man, it sure feels like it! Bye, Bye winter blues and hello summer smiles! The change in the seasons is like an antidepressant for my unstable mind. Nothing brings a smile to my face faster than a balmy day and five kids squealing with delight as they run through the sprinkler. Heaven, pure heaven on earth.
I know I've said this before but it warrants another mention - summer time makes me realize what a great job it is that I have. Is there any better job that involves sitting on deck chairs and spraying hysterical kids with a hose? Would any other job allow me to plant my garden at 9am with ten little hands of free help? Would work outside the home allow me a naptime reprieve of deck time while reading a book? No, no, and no! No other job could beat daycare in the summer.
To all of my colleagues who find themselves in the fortunate position of sun-filled days and above average temperatures, enjoy it - every minute of it. Soak up those sun rays and force those winter cobwebs out of your mind. Summer is here and daycare is good again!
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
LIFE is Rewarding
The alarm goes off. I roll over in bed and groan. A nice lady whispers in my ear, "Come on Judy. Get up and start the day and I will give you a lollipop". I smile, grab the lollipop, stick it in my mouth and carry on with getting out of bed. I hurry to shower and get dressed because I know that if I am a good, efficient girl that lady will be in my kitchen to give me Tim Horton's doughnuts and praise when I appear.
I scarf down the doughnuts all the while being told how great I am. I get into my car and drive off to work. Half way to the office I notice a police car nearing my vehicle it's lights and sirens blaring. I pull over to the side of the road. The officer comes up to me window, hands me a shiny new car GPS and says, "Oh, you are doing such a great job driving. Now, I gave you that GPS so slow down a bit when you reach that next turn." The officer returns to his car, I smile and wave as he drives by and I carry on my journey to work.
When I arrive at work all the employees stand and cheer and clap and congratulate me for, once again, arriving at work on time. On my desk I see an envelope. Opening it I soon realize it is a cheque. I am being paid an early bonus as incentive to do a thorough job.
I go to the coffee machine and pour myself a cup and go back to my office, sit down and begin to read a book I brought from home. Hey, why work? I'll wait for the lady with the lollipops to come back and give me one before I start. After all, payday comes every Friday whether I am productive or not.
Sound ridiculous?
It is. But this is what I see parents do with regard to their children each and every day. They reward and bribe them to behave. They promise shopping trips to the toy aisle if they will put on their shoes after the parents have had a long day and want to go home. They bribe and plead and cajole. Why? Here's a thought.....if you ask little Johnny to put on his shoes so you can go home and he refuses then leave his sorry little ass and go home. I'm going to bet you only have to do that once and next time he will put on his shoes without being promised the moon and the stars and the milky way.
What has happened to parents? Where is the sentiment that the parents and adults are the boss and children are to trust that what they demand is for the good of the child? Why do we constantly feel that we have to incentivize children to do tasks that should just be expected of them? I'm sorry, but little Johnny needs to realize that the reward for putting on his coat and shoes at home time should NOT be a Happy Meal but the opportunity to go home. There is no choice here. He puts on his things or he can spend the evening in daycare. My guess, knowing little Johnny, is that if you prove your ability to expect things from him he will suddenly tow the line. Johnny is smarter than you think. How else do you assume he has manipulated you out of thousands of dollars of Walmart toys and excessive amounts of gummy bears? He's smart - you're not.
I don't understand this reward and THEN act philosophy. When, in the history of time has this ever worked? It doesn't. Rewards or bribery simply force the rewarder into a viscous cycle. Soon, the rewardee begins to realize their ultimate power and holds compliance hostage until the ransom is paid.
STOP. PAYING. THE. RANSOM.
Children need to understand and learn that the reward for a job well done is having done the job itself. And sometimes we have to allow them to also realize that not doing what is expected (the job) leads to unpleasant outcomes. A child doesn't want to put on his boots when there is two feet of snow on the ground. Fine. Let him walk to the car in his socks. Allow him to FEEL the consequences of HIS actions. Next time he will chose otherwise. It's not cruel, it's teaching children the manner in which life occurs. There are consequences for everything.
The only rewards a child should receive for compliance of the mundane duties of every day life is happiness. That's all; nothing more is required. Happiness is a choice - the earlier a child learns this fact the better.
Parents, please stop bribing your kids. It is doing them a disservice greater than you can ever imagine. Besides, one day it will be YOU and ME who will need them for our very survival. I know one thing for sure - I am scared. I am afraid that one day while I sit in a nursing home, should my stash of lollipops disappear, that it will be me sitting in my four hour Depends, waiting on my lunch. And we will will have only ourselves to blame. Well, not really. I'll blame you. I don't give out lollipops now and I am pretty certain I won't give them out then either.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
I scarf down the doughnuts all the while being told how great I am. I get into my car and drive off to work. Half way to the office I notice a police car nearing my vehicle it's lights and sirens blaring. I pull over to the side of the road. The officer comes up to me window, hands me a shiny new car GPS and says, "Oh, you are doing such a great job driving. Now, I gave you that GPS so slow down a bit when you reach that next turn." The officer returns to his car, I smile and wave as he drives by and I carry on my journey to work.
When I arrive at work all the employees stand and cheer and clap and congratulate me for, once again, arriving at work on time. On my desk I see an envelope. Opening it I soon realize it is a cheque. I am being paid an early bonus as incentive to do a thorough job.
I go to the coffee machine and pour myself a cup and go back to my office, sit down and begin to read a book I brought from home. Hey, why work? I'll wait for the lady with the lollipops to come back and give me one before I start. After all, payday comes every Friday whether I am productive or not.
Sound ridiculous?
It is. But this is what I see parents do with regard to their children each and every day. They reward and bribe them to behave. They promise shopping trips to the toy aisle if they will put on their shoes after the parents have had a long day and want to go home. They bribe and plead and cajole. Why? Here's a thought.....if you ask little Johnny to put on his shoes so you can go home and he refuses then leave his sorry little ass and go home. I'm going to bet you only have to do that once and next time he will put on his shoes without being promised the moon and the stars and the milky way.
What has happened to parents? Where is the sentiment that the parents and adults are the boss and children are to trust that what they demand is for the good of the child? Why do we constantly feel that we have to incentivize children to do tasks that should just be expected of them? I'm sorry, but little Johnny needs to realize that the reward for putting on his coat and shoes at home time should NOT be a Happy Meal but the opportunity to go home. There is no choice here. He puts on his things or he can spend the evening in daycare. My guess, knowing little Johnny, is that if you prove your ability to expect things from him he will suddenly tow the line. Johnny is smarter than you think. How else do you assume he has manipulated you out of thousands of dollars of Walmart toys and excessive amounts of gummy bears? He's smart - you're not.
I don't understand this reward and THEN act philosophy. When, in the history of time has this ever worked? It doesn't. Rewards or bribery simply force the rewarder into a viscous cycle. Soon, the rewardee begins to realize their ultimate power and holds compliance hostage until the ransom is paid.
STOP. PAYING. THE. RANSOM.
Children need to understand and learn that the reward for a job well done is having done the job itself. And sometimes we have to allow them to also realize that not doing what is expected (the job) leads to unpleasant outcomes. A child doesn't want to put on his boots when there is two feet of snow on the ground. Fine. Let him walk to the car in his socks. Allow him to FEEL the consequences of HIS actions. Next time he will chose otherwise. It's not cruel, it's teaching children the manner in which life occurs. There are consequences for everything.
The only rewards a child should receive for compliance of the mundane duties of every day life is happiness. That's all; nothing more is required. Happiness is a choice - the earlier a child learns this fact the better.
Parents, please stop bribing your kids. It is doing them a disservice greater than you can ever imagine. Besides, one day it will be YOU and ME who will need them for our very survival. I know one thing for sure - I am scared. I am afraid that one day while I sit in a nursing home, should my stash of lollipops disappear, that it will be me sitting in my four hour Depends, waiting on my lunch. And we will will have only ourselves to blame. Well, not really. I'll blame you. I don't give out lollipops now and I am pretty certain I won't give them out then either.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It's Not Easy Being You
I am grateful for the comfort and time that modern conveniences afford me. I am fortunate to have been born at the birth of the technological era. I have had the benefit of being familiar with both eight track tapes and phones smaller than an adult thumb. But best of all I have the reassurance of knowing my own children will likely never know what it feels to go without food or shelter. In short, we live in a country that has evolved to serve the needs of everyone, young and old, affluent and destitute. We have more free time than ever before in history.
My grandmother, a sturdy woman for whom I attribute my assertive fortitude, raised seven children, kept a home and cared for many pets. She did not have the luxury of the microwave oven, a deep freeze, or an electric coffee pot to set on timed brew to jump start her day. She worked from morning until night. She toiled because she not only loved those for whom she sacrificed time and attention to self but because it was a given. Someone had to put in the work or there would be no canned pears for winter and no sheets to sleep on.
Mothers (parents) of small children fifty years ago were, by today's standards, overworked and under appreciated. But they gave of themselves because they understood the importance of investing time in their family, and more importantly, in their children.
I often think about the life my grandmother lead. These sentiments come to me when I look around me and see the state of the world of parenting in 2010. Not only are most children less behaved than in the parenting days of my grandmother, but parents themselves seem less involved; perhaps there is a correlation. When comparing the amount of parental time a child was afforded in 1950 to those of today it is no surprise why our children are in the predicament they are.
If I had a dime for every day that a child was dropped off at my door in the morning so a parent could skip work for "me" time I would be rich beyond words. It amazes me how selfish we have become with regard to our time. We assume that the concerns of the self are more important than those of our children. What we fail to realize is that our children are, and should be, part of the self - not a separate entity spending ten hours in daycare while a parent takes a personal day on the beach.
We seem to have a sense of time entitlement today. We assume that we are all that matters; that we deserve what has been dubbed "me" time. And the fact that we have, as a society, coined a term for such entitled time sparks a pang of outrage in my head and heart. Perhaps I am judgemental and entirely wrong but in my opinion my children ARE me. And therefore, "me" time includes those things most important in the world to me - my children. I could not imagine deliberately imposing my children on another and taking a day off for myself when in the position of being forced to frequently spend fifty plus hours away from them. My heart breaks at the mere thought of such a idea. And I suspect, the hearts of my children would suffer a painful scar as well. Children know. Children are perceptive.
The next time one of the self-proclaimed "full time mommies" complain to me that they are overwhelmed because they worked a full seven hours, took a one hour lunch break in solitude, enjoyed the silence of a half hour commute and need a "me" day I welcome them to walk a day in my shoes. I am more a full time mommy than they ever will be - to not only my children but their children as well. I don't begrudge them their need to work. But please, do not complain about how many hours you are burdened with real, genuine parenting. In fact, don't take up my offer to walk a day in my shoes. Instead, put on some stockings, and some practical footwear and walk a mile in my grandmother's shoes. SHE needed me time.
"Full time mommies"....... yes, I know it's not easy being you. But life isn't easy. And being a child who sat in daycare all day while mommy was suntanning at the beach is the least easy of all. Now go and enjoy your "me" time. No doubt you deserve it.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
My grandmother, a sturdy woman for whom I attribute my assertive fortitude, raised seven children, kept a home and cared for many pets. She did not have the luxury of the microwave oven, a deep freeze, or an electric coffee pot to set on timed brew to jump start her day. She worked from morning until night. She toiled because she not only loved those for whom she sacrificed time and attention to self but because it was a given. Someone had to put in the work or there would be no canned pears for winter and no sheets to sleep on.
Mothers (parents) of small children fifty years ago were, by today's standards, overworked and under appreciated. But they gave of themselves because they understood the importance of investing time in their family, and more importantly, in their children.
I often think about the life my grandmother lead. These sentiments come to me when I look around me and see the state of the world of parenting in 2010. Not only are most children less behaved than in the parenting days of my grandmother, but parents themselves seem less involved; perhaps there is a correlation. When comparing the amount of parental time a child was afforded in 1950 to those of today it is no surprise why our children are in the predicament they are.
If I had a dime for every day that a child was dropped off at my door in the morning so a parent could skip work for "me" time I would be rich beyond words. It amazes me how selfish we have become with regard to our time. We assume that the concerns of the self are more important than those of our children. What we fail to realize is that our children are, and should be, part of the self - not a separate entity spending ten hours in daycare while a parent takes a personal day on the beach.
We seem to have a sense of time entitlement today. We assume that we are all that matters; that we deserve what has been dubbed "me" time. And the fact that we have, as a society, coined a term for such entitled time sparks a pang of outrage in my head and heart. Perhaps I am judgemental and entirely wrong but in my opinion my children ARE me. And therefore, "me" time includes those things most important in the world to me - my children. I could not imagine deliberately imposing my children on another and taking a day off for myself when in the position of being forced to frequently spend fifty plus hours away from them. My heart breaks at the mere thought of such a idea. And I suspect, the hearts of my children would suffer a painful scar as well. Children know. Children are perceptive.
The next time one of the self-proclaimed "full time mommies" complain to me that they are overwhelmed because they worked a full seven hours, took a one hour lunch break in solitude, enjoyed the silence of a half hour commute and need a "me" day I welcome them to walk a day in my shoes. I am more a full time mommy than they ever will be - to not only my children but their children as well. I don't begrudge them their need to work. But please, do not complain about how many hours you are burdened with real, genuine parenting. In fact, don't take up my offer to walk a day in my shoes. Instead, put on some stockings, and some practical footwear and walk a mile in my grandmother's shoes. SHE needed me time.
"Full time mommies"....... yes, I know it's not easy being you. But life isn't easy. And being a child who sat in daycare all day while mommy was suntanning at the beach is the least easy of all. Now go and enjoy your "me" time. No doubt you deserve it.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
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