It seems the new catch word of the day in the world of parenting is Time In. I recently heard about this new terminology while chatting with a daycare provider. I'll admit upon hearing it I laughed out loud and then, stupidly, as if I really didn't know, asked what the hell a Time In was. I was informed a Time In occurs after a child has elicited some form of unacceptable behaviour; and at that time the parent or provider approaches the child, gets down on their knees, takes the child's hands in the own and gently delivers a teachable moment on the graces of good behaviour and societally acceptable protocol. Yes, and all this to an eighteen month old. As I once again laughed I had to wonder if such a young child, obviously being able to understand complex adult conversation, might be better off plunked in a lecture hall full of other children listening themselves to the latest expert on child-rearing. Why do all of this 'after work' if we can just talk to toddlers and prevent it in the first place?
I know, eh........that's just crazy!
My goodness. How is it that we excuse unacceptable behaviours such as hitting and biting on the age of the child and their inability to understand it's implications but yet the same toddler is suddenly capable of comprehending a mini lecture on why it is inappropriate? Am I the only one who recognizes the inconsistencies in this approach?
The Time In approach dictates that when a child acts out we are to recognize the behaviour, remain unbiased to the behaviour, and invite the child to come to the Time In.
Have these people spent ANY time with children? I have to seriously ask this question. And I ask that question because I don't know a single child who would be in such a state of mental chaos as to HIT or BITE another child who would willingly accept an invitation to go to a Time OUT so why then, would they accept an invitation to pay for their crime in a Time IN?
Oh, I get it now - because the Time IN rewards them for their behaviour with lots of attention and praise and ego-building and all the hugs and kisses they can handle.
So, just to be clear - we are supposed to watch a child hit or bite their friend and then go to that child, get down to their level and then pay them loving, gentle attention. In short, we are to reward them for bad behaviour. Great, just great - we have now stepped up on the next rung of the ladder of parenting stupidity.
It's really not complicated. You hit your friend you lose the privilege of playing with your friend. A nice amount of time sitting IN (there's that Time In again) a playpen away from the group seems an appropriate response to me. It reminds me of real life; you know, that place of being we all arrive at one day. In real life we also go to another pen when we hit our friend; only that type of pen is much less comfortable and the food isn't nearly as good.
The Time In is officially one of the top 10 worst parenting ideas ever. I can hardly wait to see how they top this one.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca
I'd never heard of it, either, and did a quick google search. Apparently time-outs are wrong because they're "punitive, there's a shame element, and it focusses on right and wrong."
ReplyDeleteBlink, blink.
And this is a bad thing, why? When I do something rotten, I feel shame. This motivates me not to do rotten things in the future. I do not think I am a bad person through and through, in fact, I think I am a *good* person who is better than that action.
How did I develop that self-esteem and willingness to improve? Possibly because I was never put in time in, I think...
Welcome to the "its not MY fault" generation! Parents who are always trying to find 'reasons' to their four year old child biting someone. Trying to justify why the fault is not with their child. It does not matter why! There is absolutely no reason to lay your hands, feet, mouth, etc on another person. End of discussion!
ReplyDeleteUm, ok...when my own kids were small, they got spanked. They got time out. And yes, I raised my voice at them and even told them their behavior was bad.
ReplyDeleteNow 3 out of 4 are adults. They're responsible,law abiding, loving , well adjusted, adults who have wonderful self esteem and great respect for others. Hmmmmm, and I got that result in all 3 adults (and yes, even in my 16 year old) because I PUNISHED the bad and REWARDED the good.
But do I know what I'm talking about? Must not, I don't have fancy letters after my name, just real time experience IN childrearing....
~Fingerprintshappen
Well! I also raised self-sufficent well-adjusted children/adults. I punished, scolded and so on. I also used to tell my kids they'd be going to 'brat camp' if they didn't straighten up. It worked. But I guess kids don't need to hear about 'those places'(aka big person PRISON) cause they'll be scarrrrred for life. Parents need to wake the heck up and teach their kids right from wrong. Instead, they're teaching the kids to tune out any words they should hear from adults cause the adults won't do squat! So why bother being good?
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with consequences for your actions. Behave well, you get rewarded. Behave badly, you get punished. It's very simple. Why can't the so-called "child experts" understand this?
ReplyDeleteTime in...ahahahaha. Ridiculous. I do admit, however, that when I give a time out, it is as a last resort, and I sit nearby with the child. This is just as effective, and I feel less guilt. Win-win. Overall, our children are coddled to a headshaking degree. Sometimes I say rude things to my (aware that I am kidding)kids at the playground JUST so the Tummytucked Nalgene Water Bottle Set can shake their heads at me as I smile sweetly back. :)
ReplyDelete