Do you have to be attached to the kids in your care to be a good provider? Does lack of attachment mean you lack empathy or compassion? Is attachment in and of itself a positive or a negative aspect of being a daycare provider?
Personally, as a daycare provider who has been around for a while I view attachment to the children in your care as an occupational hazard. I think that attachment - true attachment - sets a provider up for failure. To be attached means that your heart would feel like it was being crushed every time a child in your care were to leave. That's a mighty burden of fear and anxiety to carry around with you every day you open your door.
Attachment to the children in your daycare is a risk. When you have the preconceived notion of attachment you are literally putting your need for the child's attendance or "being" in your life above the needs of yourself. The needs of the self always have to come first. To be attached means you sacrifice for someone else. Daycare providers should be sacrificing for their own children, not the children for which they get paid to keep. Every time you allow yourself the opportunity for attachment your ability to detach when needed becomes far more difficult than necessary. When attached your business suffers.
How many daycare providers have kept a child they would like to otherwise terminate due to attachment? How many children have spent a lifetime longer than they should have in a particular daycare environment when give situations such as rude, belligerent, or non-paying parent simply do to a sense of attachment the provider feels for the child? How does keeping a child in care while causing suffering to yourself benefit anyone?
I think most providers think they need to proclaim their attachment to the kids in their care simply because society dictates that to not be attached is cold, bitter and resentful. I have read many a forum post where in a parent or provider has told an unattached daycare provider that they should get out of the business of daycare simply because they do not proclaim an innate attachment to their charges. Every parent on those forums and in our care expects attachment. Yet those same parents who expect you to become attached to their child would pull their child out of that attached environment should it so suit them.
Some providers and parents will read this blog and assume that if one is not attached they can not exhibit empathy or compassion toward the children in their care. Nothing could be further from the truth. To have empathy is to be human based on our understanding of having been on the other end of similar situations - of having been the person who has scraped their knee, shunned by a friend, or missing a loved one. All providers and people alike can be empathetic yet unattached.
I am the epitome of the daycare provider who is unattached. Although I genuinely like the children in my care they are all interchangeable with the next child who will come along and fill their spot. That's life and business. Nothing remains constant. I love myself more and therefore will not allow myself to carry the burden of attachment; I give enough, I will not give that too.
In the Buddhist tradition attachment is negative. To be attached assumes you think you are separate from the very thing you are attached to. To be unattached breeds true empathy and compassion. Because I am unattached my ability to show a child empathy and compassion is not based on the idea that they will be constantly in my life. I do not act out in kind ways because I fear their loss. I act with kindness because I am unattached . In short, I am kind with no expectation of reciprocation through their presence. I realize they share the same life force as I do, as all of us here on this earth. To treat them differently than I do myself is attachment and that, my provider friends, is negative.
Do you want to master the art of attachment? It's easy; don't get attached!
Trust me, your life will be better for it. Your mind will see the truth and you will benefit in ways you never imagined. There is no happiness in attachment - not even in daycare.
For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@gmail.ca
Judy, I find much of your advice to providers to be sound and empowering, but you're scaring me a bit with this one. People come in and out of our lives all the time, but recommending that we not form attachments to protect ourselves sounds terrible to me. If we followed this advice, it would be a cold world. Who hurt you so badly that you operate this way?
ReplyDeleteYou're missing the point anonymous. Attachment implies that you are only kind or empathetic or compassionate because YOU are getting a pay off - the feeling of NEEDING that person in your life and therefore keeping them in your life.
ReplyDeleteI AM kind and empathetic and compassionate toward the kids in my care DESPITE the fact that they will leave any day should their parents so chose to do so.
Being UNattached is a GOOD thing.
Besides, why do people assume that someone is hurt simply because they do not want to be attached (in the sense you are using) to the children they are getting paid to care for?
Are teachers attached? Are surgeons attached? The answer is NO! The surgeon literally has my life in his hands. He CARES about my outcome - he WANTS me to live. But he is NOT attached. He does NOT sit at home worrying about me two weeks after the surgery.
Why are daycare providers held to a different standard than just about ANY other profession that deals with people??
When I first started, I did become attached, and when I got a child I could not bond with, I felt like it was my fault. Then, when a child would leave that I was attached to, it would feel like a loss. I have since smartened up. I can't be attached to these kids and still do what is best for them. I need to see them clearly, not through a fog of sentiment. To do this job well, I have to see these children as my charges, who need what is best for them even if it makes them unhappy sometimes (like eating veggies or getting enough rest). I also need to see them as a group and do what is best for the group, which means sticking to my policies and routines. Now that I have risen above simply attempting to feel attached to these kids to being in charge of their development and health for the majority of their day, I am able to provide a very high standard of care and to treat them all equally, even the ones I am not able to "bond" with.
ReplyDeleteI have been a childcare provider for many years. I too thought that I could not be a good provider unless I formed an attachment to each child I took care of. I wanted to become their "second mom". Sometimes I would think of my daycare children and their needs more that my own children's needs. I regret that. I regret becoming too familiar with families and letting them be included in my own family dynamic. This was a recipe for disaster. Instead of being a business I became a relative to step on and abuse. When you see children 50+ hours a week you want to be part of their circle. I know now that it is unhealthy to get so attached. Kids leave, parents don't keep in touch and you are left wondering how they are. You are right when you say that teachers, doctors and nurses do not get attached. We need to adopt the same attitude and I have. It took many years, but now I have the right philosophy and I have become a better provider because of. Don't get me wrong I still care, but not at the depth I use to. I realize this is a business not an adoption.
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