The Time In

It seems the new catch word of the day in the world of parenting is Time In. I recently heard about this new terminology while chatting with a daycare provider. I'll admit upon hearing it I laughed out loud and then, stupidly, as if I really didn't know, asked what the hell a Time In was. I was informed a Time In occurs after a child has elicited some form of unacceptable behaviour; and at that time the parent or provider approaches the child, gets down on their knees, takes the child's hands in the own and gently delivers a teachable moment on the graces of good behaviour and societally acceptable protocol. Yes, and all this to an eighteen month old. As I once again laughed I had to wonder if such a young child, obviously being able to understand complex adult conversation, might be better off plunked in a lecture hall full of other children listening themselves to the latest expert on child-rearing. Why do all of this 'after work' if we can just talk to toddlers and prevent it in the first place?

I know, eh........that's just crazy!

My goodness. How is it that we excuse unacceptable behaviours such as hitting and biting on the age of the child and their inability to understand it's implications but yet the same toddler is suddenly capable of comprehending a mini lecture on why it is inappropriate?  Am I the only one who recognizes the inconsistencies in this approach?

The Time In approach dictates that when a child acts out we are to recognize the behaviour, remain unbiased to  the behaviour, and invite the child to come to the Time In.

Have these people spent ANY time with children? I have to seriously ask this question. And I ask that question because I don't know a single child who would be in such a state of mental chaos as to HIT or BITE another child who would willingly accept an invitation to go to a Time OUT so why then, would they accept an invitation to pay for their crime in a Time IN?

Oh, I get it now - because the Time IN rewards them for their behaviour with lots of attention and praise and ego-building and all the hugs and kisses they can handle.

So, just to be clear - we are supposed to watch a child hit or bite their friend and then go to that child, get down to their level and then pay them loving, gentle attention. In short, we are to reward them for bad behaviour. Great, just great - we have now stepped up on the next rung of the ladder of parenting stupidity.

It's really not complicated. You hit your friend you lose the privilege of playing with your friend. A nice amount of time sitting IN (there's that Time In again) a playpen away from the group seems an appropriate response to me.  It reminds me of real life; you know, that place of being we all arrive at one day. In real life we also go to another pen when we hit our friend; only  that type of pen  is much less comfortable and the food isn't nearly as good.

The Time In is officially one of the top 10 worst parenting ideas ever. I  can hardly wait to see how they top this one.

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca

Daycare Boredom

I am about to give away the best kept secret of daycare. Daycare providers everywhere can blame me for giving up the goods. Are you ready for it?

Daycare is easy.

There, I said it. Now, I can see many of you with your eyes ready to pop out of their sockets trying to control the physical urge to reach through the computer and slap me upside the head, staring at this page thinking........WHAT? You are saying in your head that even on your best day daycare is hard. Yes, you too are correct. Have faith, Judy wouldn't float you down the river!

Sure, daycare is hard in some respects. To be perfectly honest the hardest part about daycare is dealing with parents - dealing with payment issues, dealing with parental expectations, dealing with interviews etc, etc. The actual care of the kids is easy.

Most good daycare providers I know are very, very bored people. These providers have systems in place and did the hard work of managing behaviours when a child transitions with them. Once all the children in their care have settled into routine the provider does little but the common, operational duties of daycare.

I swear there are some days I feel like my brain has gone to mush. I can actually feel a physical burn in my head while cells explode into oblivion. And there are times that I think if I watch the kids play toys one more minute I am going to go stark, raving mad.

Yes, daycare is boring.  Childcare is not rocket science. I know a lot of daycare parents would be surprised to hear that but the truth is the truth. Kids don't need a lot of fancy degrees on a wall to understand you care about them. They don't need hours of instruction on the current buzz words in education. They don't need Toys R Us in their playroom. All kids need is someone to keep them safe, warm, fed and happy - and leave them alone. Yes, I said that too! Kids need to be left alone to discover and play. They do not need my constant interaction or intervention. And thus, that is why daycare is boring.

As I sit here blogging the kids are playing dress up , sitting in the play house waiting on the pizza delivery man to arrive with their pretend dinner. And for the time it took me to write this blog I felt, for the first time today - engaged. Heck, maybe I even replicated and replaced a few of the brain cells I lost earlier watching them play.

Daycare is boring. It's a fact. And there is little we can do about it. No amount of rearranging daycare furniture, crafts, or snuggling is going to change that reality. A trip to the park to talk to another provider or networking online with other bored providers helps. But for the rest of the time? I'll just chalk it up to one of the occupational hazards of providing daycare.

Oh, and the next time I post that I am having a rough day because two kids crapped up their backsides and another one fell down and the newbie is screaming feel free to remind me just how boring I claimed this job to be!

But for today - I'll take boring.

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca

Eyes In The Back Of My Head

I am always asked by interviewing parents whether the children are in eye sight the entire day. What I  want to ask these parents is, when at home, are their children are always in their line of sight? I'm pretty sure that's an impossible feat given the responsibilities of all parents while at home. There is laundry to fold, breakfast, lunch and dinner to prepare, bathrooms to clean, bathrooms to use and the list goes on.

My general response to the above question is "Yes". And I am not deceiving the parents in any way by answering in such a manner. I recognized about a year ago that while it is impossible to physically watch the children every second of the nine hour day they are in my care that makes me no less responsible for what might happen to them in the eyes of their parents. As unrealistic as it is that any daycare provider could actually see every single child at all times when we too, have the duties of not only preparing food, cleaning up children and the actual care of at least 3 or 4 times the number of children any one of our daycare parents might have, the parents actually expect this level of supervision.

It's crazy, but it's true.

At one point I became tired of having to do an Olympian sprint upstairs to fill up my coffee cup or, heaven forbid, go to the washroom (which, by the way, is impossible to speed up). As the daycare laws in Ontario also make it an impossibility to affordably  hire a staff assistant, I realized the need to get crafty. And thus began my search for those proverbial eyes in the back of my head.

Any of my readership or forum members who know me also understand that I generally do not endorse many products. I don't respect blogs that serve as a means to plug product for a pay-off. But I want to share with you the camera system I purchased. It is the Lorex Live-Snap video baby monitor with two-way audio and the ability to take live pictures that are stored on the SD card that comes with the camera.

I LOVE this product. I can not say enough great things about it. And that is all the endorsement I will offer. Check it out for yourself.


I  never  before  found such  a useful  piece of  technology,  laptop  aside,  that could  make  my  daycare  days easier  and  much  more  enjoyable. Now I can leisurely  stroll  upstairs   and  pour  that  fifth  cup  of  coffee. I  can  visit  the washroom,  I can answer the door and...... gasp......I can even sit outside on my deck at  nap time. And  all  this  because I can see what every child is doing at any time despite my lack of physical proximity.


And my favourite part.......being able to correct behaviour and talk to the kids from the camera watching them  all  look to the  heavens confused, dazed, and wondering how it is I always know what they're up to.


Hey, every female knows God is a woman - now the daycare kids do too!


For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca

Daycare Abuse

April Luckese
Irene Martin
Jessica Tata
Ashley Reifer

What do all those names have in common? Every one of those women was a daycare provider. And every one of those women is accused of having abused, killed, or abandonment leading to the death of, the very children they were trusted to care for.

No one wants to talk about abuse that can happen while a child is in daycare. The parents don't want to talk about it because it implies they too, might be leaving their child in the care of someone who might commit the unthinkable. That is a huge burden to carry as you drop off your child, get into your car, and drive away each day. Daycare providers don't want to talk about it because it's too close to the core. It's too much a possibility they do not want to admit to.

Somebody needs to talk about it. It's happening. It's happening often. Are we to close our eyes and turn our heads because it's too uncomfortable? It seems that's what happens. These providers make sensational news stories for big media, the public gets riled up and then the next big story comes along and we quickly forget. Well, I haven't forgotten. I want to talk about this.

I firmly believe that any daycare provider is capable of abusing a child. I also believe any parent is. I believe anyone is capable of anything given the perfect set of circumstances for any given situation. Add into that believe the normal stresses of providing daycare and there are times that a perfect storm brews.

First and foremost there are many unrealistic expectations with regard to what it is daycare providers should accept. Most providers I know have at least one or two stories of serious belligerence, non-payment or general disrespect from one daycare parent or another. And then there are the unrealistic expectations of care. Just today I read about a provider who has a daycare parent who expects her to rock her child to sleep and then hold her throughout nap time. And when that provider explained the impossibility of this request the parent simple became angry and pulled her child from care. These are every day, normal issues all daycare providers deal with from time to time.

The biggest issue in daycare and daycare abuse is napping. Any provider I know can handle a few hours of crying and screaming by a new child whose parents did not do their job preparing that child for daycare. But every provider looks forward to and counts on a true break every day at nap time. And it is, for this reason, that most daycare abuse takes place mid-afternoon. Imagine working nine hours a day, five days a week and having to not only listen to one particular child (usually a new child) scream most of their waking hours but then to have the only part of the day set aside for the provider disrupted. Nap time is dangerous for children who refuse sleep and providers who are dealing with more than their fair share of problems with daycare parents.

I know there will be readers who sit there shaking their heads and saying to themselves that they could never, ever abuse a child in daycare. It is providers like these who worry me most. They worry me because if they deny their capabilities then they can not preventatively identify their triggers - those things that heighten their fight response - and work out a plan ahead of time to deal with their reaction to those triggers in a manner such that no child is ever hurt. If you fail to plan, you really do plan to fail.

When I read about abuse cases I always have to ask myself why the provider didn't simply put that child in a playpen and walk away. It is an easy solution that literally saves lives. I'm sure in retrospect anyone who has ever abused a child wishes they had done just that. It was their failure to recognize their innate ability to harm another and set preventative measures in place that cause the literal end of life to a child and the proverbial end to their own.

The scary thing is that no provider, no environment, is immune. There are great, educated, highly-regarded daycare providers who have been accused of abusing children and there are those who were mere "babysitters". Abuse happens in home daycare both licensed and unlicensed, and big and small commercial daycare centres. It happens and it happens anywhere.

My wish for every child who attends daycare is to have their daycare provider take five minutes today to sit and think about her triggers. To get real. To get honest. To ask the hard questions. And then for that provider to set measures in place to prevent a tragedy from happening. Set up that playpen, terminate that one screamer, hand out walking papers to that consistently late paying parent. Do what needs to be done. Childrens' lives depend on it.

If you don't want to do it for the children you care for then do it for your own kids so they will  keep a mother, and do it for yourself so you will be around to watch them grow.

Whatever your reasons - just do it. Get real - today!

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca

Point Of No Return

We've all been there - to the point of no return. The trick is to recognize that point and make choices that benefit you and your daycare at that critical moment in time. There is nothing worse than missing the point of no return and finding yourself in daycare hell a few months down the line.

The point of no return occurs when you have a new child in your care that you have hoped beyond hope will eventually settle in but fails to fall in line like the  many other kids you've had in the past. The point of no return typically occurs around the end of the first month of care. It's at this point in the time line of daycare that a provider needs to take a good look at a new child and decide if  he/she  a good "fit" or not. Miss the point of no return or make a bad decision while at the fork in this crossroads and you are destined for a life of daycare hell.

I have missed the point of no return a few times in my career. My favourite story to tell other providers about the importance of timing with regard to the point of no return concerns a set of twins I once had in my care. Perhaps some of you might remember them, or more specifically - HER - the one twin I like to refer to as the Princess. I once blogged about this duo in The Princess And The Pea.

The Princess was whiny. I remember very well her first day of care. When I look back I wonder how I managed to have a single strand of hair left. But, being  cute, combined with my hopeless determination and ego, thinking that I could transition any child, I persevered. Every day of the first week the parents would arrive at pick up and I would report the twins did "well" today. This wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. The fact of the matter is that in daycare "well" simply means they did exactly what every other twelve month old child does the first week of care - scream bloody murder. But to relay this to a parent is akin to daycare suicide. I mean, really, would ANY parent ever again leave their children in the care of strangers if they truly knew just how hard it is for their child to be plunked into a strange new world with someone who knows not a single one of their traits?

As time went on "well" became more and more of a lie. By week two I assumed the Princess was just slower to adjust. Week three caused me to think she might get there eventually. And week four brought about my definitive moment of indecisiveness. Do I keep them or does Arnold come out to play? Do they stay or do they go? I chose to keep them (mainly because the Pea was doing so well despite her sister) and in that moment missed the point of no return.

Missing the point of no return was the nail in my proverbial daycare coffin that continued to be slowly lowered  into my grave until I was literally in daycare hell. Had I just spoke up, bit the bullet and told these parents their child was a controlling, ridiculously manipulative brat, I would have saved myself three years of misery.

Short of blindsiding a parent, how do you ever go back and decide you just can not care for a child after they have been with you for a period of time, seemingly without incident? The simple answer is you can't. It's too hard. Situations like these only lead to nasty outcomes and your name being spewed across post threads on local mom's boards. You simply can not come out a winner.

NEVER miss the point of no return. When you know a child is not going to work out, is too much work, is a molly-coddled demon, or is attachment parented and a complete write-off to group care, just do it - write up that termination letter and let them go. It is always better to end a new relationship than waiting six months or a year or more. With any luck, once the mom's board threads die down that parent won't give you a second thought. But care for their child for  a year and suddenly announce they are demon spawn  YOU will be the devil incarnate. Such is the reality of the point of no return.

So, the next time you accept a new child into care take a really, really good look at them and their progress. And when week four rolls around ask yourself the hard questions and be open to accept the answers. And once you have accepted the reality of an existence of hell, should they stay, take the correct path on that fork in the road of the point of no return. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca

Show A Little Love

Daycare is an isolating job. And regardless of how dedicated a provider we all might be  we are also human and therefore, crave interaction, support and validation. Doing anything in life alone is always harder. And Lord knows that daycare comes with its very own inherent issues and problems. From child behaviour concerns to the crazy arguments thrown at us by parents we all need an ear or a shoulder once in a while.

It is a fact that well-connected daycare providers are happier providers. Those providers who have a good, solid supportive foundation of daycare colleagues, whether in their neighbourhood or online experience less stress, have better organized daycares and often make more money. Providers who network are also far less likely to abuse or harm the very children they are paid to care for. It's simple - well-connected providers are better caretakers.

Often times I will reach out to another provider either in my city or online that I recognize is having a hard time. I think it important that we ALL reach out to one another and show a little love to those who are struggling. Call up that new provider you see on Kijiji who thinks their worth so little as to only charge half the average area fees. Go knock on the door of that provider having a poop blow out day and hand her a cup of coffee. Send a gift certificate for dinner to the provider you know is struggling to fill her spots and losing much needed income. Just send some love in one form or another.

There is a great forum connected to this blog that offers daycare providers a private, provider-only place to network and share. The member providers are not only knowledgeable but respectful, supportive and understanding. There isn't a problem any provider could encounter that some other member provider hasn't dealt with in the past. Allowing yourself to learn from others that have been there and done that is a valuable resource and preventative tool you can use to see problems and issues before they arise and deal with them effectively.

If you are a new provider or a veteran who does not have a safe, private place to network we invite you to join us. Simply click here or on the red box on the right hand side of this page and register today.

I promise you will love it there! Afterall, we're all in this together.

For concerns, advice or suggestions I welcome your email at judytrickett@yahoo.ca